Muslims are failing miserably and much quicker than the kuffar in their marriages because they are following the Western-oriented idea or model of marriage; and, they have no understanding of the Islamic concept of marriage.

So, if you are going to follow the ways of the kuffar, you are going to end up like them. The Prophet (ﷺ) said: “Whosoever imitates a people becomes one of them.”

He (ﷺ) also warned that we were going to follow them (the Jews and the Christians) even if they were to enter the den of desert lizard. This was a warning and not an encouragement to follow them.

Does anyone even bother to try to understand if there is an Islamic concept of marriage? I mean, there is an Islamic concept or understanding of everything in life. Why would such an important aspect of life as marriage be any different?

The main objective of marriage in Islam is to establish the limits which Allah has ordained upon people. The objective of marriage is not this feel-good nonsense (love and romance) that most have been made to believe through the shaytany brainwashing process of the disbelievers. Allah says:

فَإِن طَلَّقَهَا فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيْهِمَا أَن يَتَرَاجَعَا إِن ظَنَّا أَن يُقِيمَا حُدُودَ اللَّهِ ۗ وَتِلْكَ حُدُودُ اللَّهِ يُبَيِّنُهَا لِقَوْمٍ يَعْلَمُونَ

And if the latter husband divorces her [or dies], there is no blame upon the woman and her former husband for returning to each other if they think that they can keep [within] the limits of Allah . These are the limits of Allah , which He makes clear to a people who know. 2:230

 

Once again, the basic problem is that muslims want to follow what feels good before they even start thinking about what pleases Allah and His Messenger (ﷺ), which is the truth (as opposed to falsehood) and what is most beneficial for mankind. As long as muslims do not want to practice the truth from Allah and His Messenger (ﷺ), they will be in a state of loss and failure in everything they do, including marriage. Allah says:

وَمَنْ أَعْرَضَ عَن ذِكْرِي فَإِنَّ لَهُ مَعِيشَةً ضَنكًا وَنَحْشُرُهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ أَعْمَىٰ

“But whosoever turns away from My Reminder (i.e. neither believes in this Quran nor acts on its orders, etc.) verily, for him is a life of hardship, and We shall raise him up blind on the Day of Resurrection.” (20:124)

Marriage in Islam is not about falling in love (the old feeling-good program) and living happily ever after, which is where most people fail before they even start, and especially our convert/revert brothers and sisters, who come from the culture of romanticizing everything. And, by the way, our muslim brothers and sister in the “muslim world” are not far behind on this.

I am by no means saying that a married couple cannot fall in love (inside the bounds of marriage). What I am saying is that the “falling in love” is not what protects and sustains the marriage, especially when there are disagreements.

Most muslims today are basing their entire marriage on this illusive, Western and romantic idea called love, which obviously does not work. If it worked, the kuffar would not have such a high rate of divorce.

The Western idea of marriage is based on feelings and emotions, while the Islamic idea of marriage is based on addressing and preventing very real potential problems that actually happen in marriage. The Quran and Sunnah are full of regulations regarding marriage, the objective of which is to protect marriage, family and society.

Marriage, like everything else in Islam is not a free-for-all, and it is not based on the emotionalism that Western culture (now adopted by most muslims) is based on, which has led to the deterioration of family, and therefore morality in society.

One of the biggest deceptions for many muslims is that they believe (with all their hearts) that happiness is the objective of marriage. This is exactly where most marriages fall apart before they even start because a good and happy marriage starts before one even gets marriage, by having the correct Islamic understanding of marriage.

The goal or objective of marriage in Islam is not to achieve happiness. I am not saying you should not be happy. Happiness and contentment is something that Allah alone puts in our hearts, depending on how much we actually have submitted to Allah. Allah says:

مَنْ عَمِلَ صَالِحًا مِّن ذَكَرٍ أَوْ أُنثَىٰ وَهُوَ مُؤْمِنٌ فَلَنُحْيِيَنَّهُ حَيَاةً طَيِّبَةً ۖ وَلَنَجْزِيَنَّهُمْ أَجْرَهُم بِأَحْسَنِ مَا كَانُوا يَعْمَلُونَ

Whoever works righteousness, whether male or female, while he (or she) is a true believer (of Islamic Monotheism) verily, to him We will give a good life (in this world with respect, contentment and lawful provision), and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter). (16:97)

وَاعْلَمُوا أَنَّ اللَّهَ يَحُولُ بَيْنَ الْمَرْءِ وَقَلْبِهِ وَأَنَّهُ إِلَيْهِ تُحْشَرُونَ

And know that Allah intervenes between a man and his heart and that to Him you will be gathered. (8:24)

Happiness does not come from your actions or your intelligence in making choices in life. There are many people that can be unhappy in a marriage of one man and one woman. Also, there are people that can be happy in a marriage with more than one wife. There are people who are happy only when they are alone. There are many women who would rather be one of several wives because they don’t want to continue to stay alone, which might be much more difficult than being one of several wives.

The muslim who understands his religion does not make happiness the goal and objective of the marriage. The muslim should work in this life for the eternal happiness of the hereafter. In this life, there are only moments or short periods of “happiness”, here and there (the word “ease” or “pleasure” are better from an Islamic perspective than the word “happiness”).

The life of the believer is full of tests and difficulties, which is not something that brings about much happiness for the most part. The Prophet (ﷺ) talked about the path of the believing person being full of harm and pain. This does not mean that we purposely make decisions in life to be unhappy. No one wants to be unhappy. However, our decisions and actions do not guarantee happiness. True happiness comes from the strength of our relationship with Allah.

Like most matters in this world, marriage is not a means to achieve happiness (which is a term mostly used by people whose focus is this world). Marriage is a means by which we seek the pleasure of Allah (or displeasure), which has a final consequence (on the day of Judgment). If we see marriage (or any other matter) as a means to achieve happiness in this world, we are going to be very disappointed. This is not to say that there are no moments or periods of “happiness” in one’s married life. For sure, there are moments of pleasure and ease, and enjoyment, but this is not the objective.

The Prophet (ﷺ) said: “Amazing is the affair of the believing person. And, this is for no one else, except the believing person. If he is in a good state (or ease and pleasure), he is thankful to Allah, and that is good for him, and if he is stricken with harm (or difficulty), he is patient and that is good for him.”

Marriage in Islam is about our commitment to Allah and His Messenger (ﷺ), and to the deen (religion), and to the marriage contract, which is part of the religion. Marriage in Islam is not a romantic affair.

If you muslims don’t change your attitudes and expectations, you will choose the wrong spouses, and live miserably ever after (instead of happily ever after). Allah says:

الْخَبِيثَاتُ لِلْخَبِيثِينَ وَالْخَبِيثُونَ لِلْخَبِيثَاتِ ۖ وَالطَّيِّبَاتُ لِلطَّيِّبِينَ وَالطَّيِّبُونَ لِلطَّيِّبَاتِ

Bad statements are for bad people (or bad women for bad men) and bad people for bad statements (or bad men for bad women). (24:26)

وَمَنْ أَعْرَضَ عَن ذِكْرِي فَإِنَّ لَهُ مَعِيشَةً ضَنكًا وَنَحْشُرُهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ أَعْمَىٰ

“But whosoever turns away from My Reminder (i.e. neither believes in this Quran nor acts on its orders, etc.) verily, for him is a life of hardship, and We shall raise him up blind on the Day of Resurrection.” (20:124)

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